Confession

Confession. It is the best and easiest way to be free. It releases us from holding onto the wrong things, the things that burden us more and drive us deeper into the mud. Jesus said:

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30).

I confess that I have been carrying a burden that is too heavy for me to bear, but in my stubbornness and fear, I refused to lay it down. Becoming pregnant derailed me. I had become comfortable in my spiritual life, I was doing great physically, and I was healthy, skinny, and loving life. And then we got pregnant. It wasn’t a surprise, I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon. Suddenly I wasn’t great physically, I felt sick, lethargic, and tired. I didn’t want to go for a run, I didn’t want to do anything but lie down and hope the sick feeling went away. I didn’t know how to handle it spiritually either. I stopped praying and depending on God, and over the last six months, I crawled into a selfish little hole in the ground and became so critical of myself and my husband that it drove us both crazy. But I carried around this need to portray a perfect life. To make everyone thing that I had all my ducks in a row when really, those ducks were scattered.

Being pregnant has given me a shield. People ask how I am feeling and I tell them I am good. Not feeling sick, eating well, drinking well, feeling the baby move. Things are good. I don’t tell them that I am anxious as hell about everything, comparing myself to others and finding myself coming up short, and constantly wondering if anyone out there loves me. I have been chasing perfection in our home, in being pregnant, and in my work, and I am failing at it. A few nights ago, before finally falling asleep I wondered if anyone had ever felt like I did. And the next morning over breakfast I received my answer: Yes, David did.

David is not my favorite Bible character. He was a womanizer, murderer, absent parent, and yet for some reason he is still said to be wholly devoted to God, a man after His heart. I guess I always felt that a man after God’s own heart would be a bit more righteous, and would have made better decisions. I defined David by his actions, just like I felt other people were doing to me. I was a Pharisee at heart.

So, over my Cheerios I opened my Bible to Psalm 62. The last Psalm I had read was Psalm 61, so this was the next one on the list. I started to read:

Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62: 1-2)

These words repeat in verses 5-6. In Hebrew, repetition means something. Things are repeated for emphasis and to point out that ‘this is really important’. Then I got to verses 7-8:

My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

This could have been written directly to me. When I became pregnant, and began to struggle, I didn’t grasp onto God, I turned to other things and held tightly onto those. I allowed the situations I was in, and the words and opinions of others to affect me, determine my value, and define who I was. But the truth is that my honor, value, and identity are determined by the God who made me. Only he has the power to say who I am because only He knows me completely.

I had defined David by his actions, and not by his heart’s desire for God. David didn’t falter in his faith the way I have – I’m sure he struggled, but he never let go of his hold on God.  

Psalm 62 goes on to say that all of us are fleeting, and are unable to assign value to ourselves and each other. Furthermore, God will reward us for what we have done. Not what we wanted to do. Not what we didn’t do. But what we do. So no one can stand and pretend to be better because their sins are different. God didn’t reward David’s sins, He rewarded his devotion and worship. Would God reward my worry and anxiety? Would God reward my faithlessness and independence from Him? I had been holding myself and others to an ungodly standard, and I couldn’t bear the weight of it any longer.

Then I turned the page to Psalm 63.

You, God, are my God, I earnestly seek you;

 I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you in a dry and parched land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you….

Because you are my help, I will sing in the shadow of your wings.

I cling to you; your right hand upholds me. (Psalm 63, 1-3, 7-8)

This caused me to reflect and remember. What I really enjoyed about life seven months ago, was not my physique, or physical stamina, but was my relationship with God. The closeness I felt with Him. When I stopped seeking Him, I forgot His power, glory, and love. When I stopped clinging to Him, I lost His strong support in my life.

As I worked my way through these Psalms and confessed my sins, I began to once again feel free. The best way I can explain it is that for a while there, I felt fully centered and balanced and not as though I was falling to one side or another. I say that this was just for a while, because seven months of bad habits are not so quickly broken. That night at work, things were said and done that affected me again because I let them define me. And, once again, I had to confess that I had listened to the lies of others and the devil and not to the truth of God. And this will probably be ongoing for a while until God’s truth is engraved on my heart and mind because I have prayed it so often, that these lies cannot stand up to it.

Confession rewards us with freedom from the weight of sin, and because we are sinful beings, confession needs to be a way of life and a constant practice. We will never be free of our need to confess our sins until we are perfected in heaven.