The Latest on Rest

Earlier in the year, I told you all that my New Year’sResolution was to “rest”. I wish I could say I was doing a great job with this! Over the summer, I practically forgot to rest except when I felt so sick I could do nothing by lie on the couch and pray for time to pass quickly. I don’t really count that as resting though. To me, rest is an intentional effort to stop and be still. To be honest, I stopped and “rested” because I hated throwing up, not because I really felt I should.

God tells us that He created the seventh day and made it holy because even He rested from his labors in creation (Genesis 2:1-3). This tells me that there is an intentional effort to be made in resting. J ust as we choose to work and labor, we must choose to rest. I felt guilty about the time spent on the sofa trying not to throw up because I felt I ought to be working. It wasn’t my choice to rest.

Today, as I enter into my third trimester, I am more tired than before, and some days it’s all I can do to keep my eyes open after lunch. My body is laboring continuously, and the rest I am getting is more of a necessity than a choice. More than ever I find myself identifying with Psalm 55:6-8:

I said, “Oh that I had the wings of dove!

I would fly away and be at rest—

I would flee far away and stay in the desert;

I would hurry to my place of shelter,

Far from the tempest and storm.

This part of the Psalm is taken completely out of context. The Psalmist is talking about having rest from false friends and accusations, which is not what I am experiencing now. And yet, I feel his desire to flee, take a break, and get some rest. To go where there is no laundry, no garden, no to-do list, and no one asking me questions. But this also is not a good representation of how God asks us to rest.

If you look back at Genesis 2:3, the last part of the verse stipulates what kind of rest God took: “…on it He rested from all the work of creating that he had done.” God didn’t depart from the world He had created, He just rested from creating. God has put us all in a certain situation in life and when He tells us to rest, He doesn’t mean depart from our situation, but to rest in the midst of it. So there go my dreams of a tropical island paradise with a really, really, good library.

Psalm 55:16-18 offers another solution to this dilemma of rest:

But I call to God, and the Lord saves me.

Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.

He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me.

Verse 22 continues:

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you;

He will never let the righteous fall.

We definitely have to make the effort. Calling out to God, crying out in distress, and casting our cares upon Him require us to use our minds, bodies, souls, and voices. But God is faithful to us and will give us rest in the midst of our circumstances. It comes down to a matter of trust, though. Am I going to trust God to help my through my weakness and never ending to-do list? Am I going to submit those things to Him and chose to obey and rest? Or will I power through and ignore that seemingly unimportant command to rest, because I don’t have the time? Do I trust the creator of time more than I trust my own ability to manage it?

Psalm 55 closes with the phrase: “But as for me, I trust in you.”

The Psalmist knows that the wicked, the liars, the deceitful of the world will get their due justice eventually, and he is content to trust in God to rescue him from the fears that plague him.

I’m not going to lie, right now I have no idea how this is all going to work out. I’ve set some pretty lofty goals for myself for the next three months. But I am going to try to trust, and remind myself to trust that God has a plan for me and my to-do list that might look different from what I want it to, but it is a good plan that will benefit me and my soul. Choosing obedience in the midst of the demands of the day is not easy, but it is right, and God will help me to have rest when I show my faithfulness to Him.

The Value of Pain

Back to the Coaching Series! Previously I touched on the idea of the athlete trusting their coach, pushing themselves to weakness in order to be stronger, and the pain that often comes with growth. But I’d like to get into those topics a bit more with this post.

This summer I watched with great pride and joy as my gymnasts competed and scored very well on their routines. They worked hard to perfect their skills, and accepted last minute changes that we, their coaches, made with grace.

But now we are at the beginning of a new “gymnastics year”. That means we put routines on hold for a while and go back to some basics. We tackle strength and flexibility, we work to improve their form, break bad habits, and increase their skill set. And this means putting them through pain and frustration. In order to increase flexibility, we literally push them further into their splits and other positions. To make muscles stronger, they will do hundreds of repetitions of drills that work specific muscles and muscle groups. Their muscles will be pushed to a point of weakness so they can be made stronger. Because that’s how it works, in order to become stronger, an athlete must first go through weakness.

Improving form and breaking bad habits is hard. It takes time. I know that there are some girls that will work for the next year on some of these things. They may not learn anything new this year, except how to do what they have already been doing better. And it’s frustrating, especially when it seems like everyone else is moving on and working on things that are much more fun. It’s at this point that we don’t just coach them physically, but mentally and emotionally too. A great athlete is not just made up of muscle and talent. There is also, grit, determination, perseverance, commitment, and trust in the process and their coach.

There is pain involved in growth. But there is a difference between growing pains and harm. Athletes know this. Paul even says in 1 Corinthians 9:27, “I beat my body to make it my slave.” Training is hard, and the athlete has to be aware of how their bodies are working for them, and against them.

And so it is with our spiritual lives. If God is our coach, then He is going to push us to places where we feel weak and frustrated. Our faith must be tested and endure trials in order to be strengthened and reinforced. We don’t just get a strong faith by believing and attending church. We get a strong faith by suffering through pain and trials. Oswald Chambers says, “Faith must be tested and tried before it becomes real in your life.” And often times the response to something like this is from 1 Corinthians 10:13, “And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” But do we really know how strong we are?

Consider this clip from the movie, Facing the Giants:

Brock would have given up and stopped at the 50 yard line if he knew he were there. I guarantee you that his muscles were burning, and fatigue was hitting his entire body as he crossed the half way point. But his coach knew he had more in him and could do more, and so he pushed him, encouraging, yelling, and making him believe he would make it despite the pain he was in. The movie goes on to show that Brock comes away from the experience a changed person, he grew in maturity and emerged as a leader on the team—something that would have never happened had he not been pushed into pain and a blind struggle across a football field. Our Heavenly Coach knows our strength and how far we can be pushed and tempted. When things go from bad to worse, it isn’t that God isn’t listening or paying attention to us, or that He has forgotten us. He knows we are capable of more, and that from the depths of our struggles comes a maturity of faith that can be achieved no other way.

James 1:2-4 says it well:

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

And that is the goal isn’t it? To be mature and complete?

 

We are on God’s team, and he is going to shape us into the best disciples of Christ that we can be this side of heaven. He doesn’t just want us to saunter across the finish line, He wants us to break a sweat, push ourselves hard, and run for gold. It’s not just about being strong, it’s about competing and finishing well.

Paul calls us athletes that are running the race and that we all ought to run to get the prize, the gold medal. 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 says:

²⁴ Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. ²⁵ Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. ²⁶ Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. ²⁷ No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

This is why we endure trials and pain—for the gold. The pain is temporary, the trials have an end. After they are done and gone, there is the prize: our salvation and eternity with God.

But that being said, the pain can be brutal.

Christ modeled how we are to act, how we are to love, and how we are to trust our Heavenly Father. Remember in the Garden of Gethsemane? In Matthew 26:38, Jesus says, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.” Jesus was stressed out about the pain and suffering that were to come. In verse 39, Matthew saw, “he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” These are the prayers of a man in great pain and turmoil who is clinging to his faith with all he has in him. Luke 22:44 says that Jesus was sweating blood. He was so tense and overwhelmed that he was breaking blood capillaries in his skin and bleeding. Yet he was faithful, because he knew that the pain was temporary. Excruciating, but temporary.

Just as I train my gymnasts and make plans to put them in pain with the conditioning and drills I run them through, so God trains us. His plans for us, though painful, are for our good, for our salvation, and for our eternal health. We must trust our coach through the pain and frustration of growth.

On Being Emptied - Philippians 2:5-8

Early in the summer, before things went completely haywire, I was reading in Philippians and verses
2:5-8 caught my attention.

Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,

⁶who, though he was in the form of God,

did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,

⁷but emptied himself,

by taking the form of a servant,

being born in the likeness of men.

⁸And being found in human form,

he humbled himself

by becoming obedient to the point of death,

even death on a cross.

At this point, I was still not feeling well with my pregnancy. It seemed that the smallest thing caused my shoulders and neck to ache to the point of causing headaches. I was tired and often short of breath and felt that even simple garden and house projects were outside my abilities. There were limits set on what I could do, how much stress I could handle, what I could eat, and how much my mind could process.

I felt like someone had taken my body, full of strength and vigor just weeks earlier, and emptied it. So, when this passage says that Christ emptied himself, I felt I understood on a very basic and general scale what that meant, and what it felt like.

Christ emptied himself. He once was strong, and he emptied himself of that supernatural strength, and chose to become weak. He was once boundless and infinite, and chose to become limited by a physical body. In the grand scheme of the universe, he became a tiny human. He is the author of life, and yet his body was emptied of life: he humbled himself…to the point of death. Christ knows something about being limited, weak, and feeling small. And he did it all to bring us abundant life (John 10:10).

 

When I first read this, I sat there for a bit, feeling sheepish about complaining about my weaknesses and discomfort. Bringing life into this world is the ultimate fulfillment of what Christ told Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” God is the Creator. This is His power in me—a baby being created, formed, knit together in my womb. This is the miracle of God that I can be so weak, and yet still bring forth life.

When Christ emptied himself, he too became a human and a created being. The power of God was still in him, but it was different than what he had known before. Rather than cling to his supernatural power, he let it go so that he could redeem us and bring us back to the path to perfection. Our lives for his death. His death, so we could experience true freedom and life. It wasn’t enough to just become small, the author of life, the one through whom all things were made (John 1:3) became dead so that we could become alive.

When I reread the chapter later, I saw I had missed something. In my little NIV Bible, there is a section heading before verse 5 that separates it from verse 4. Therefore, it’s easy to miss that these two verses are linked. They go together.

Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who, being in the very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross!

This is love. When we cling to what we have, who we are, titles, reputations, plans, or expectations so much that we cannot let them go, then we cannot truly love as God loves us because we cannot look to the interests of others. This is why Jesus commands us to Love our neighbor as ourselves. If we love others and look out for them as we love and look out for ourselves, then a lot of social problems tend to get resolved.

Jesus loved us and took an interest in his Father’s plan for us and our salvation. So much so that he gave up title and power in order that God’s best for us would be brought forth. Jesus became incarnate knowing about the pain he would experience as a human and the horrific death he would endure. But, he also knew about his coming resurrection, glorification, and coronation as King. We are never told to not care about ourselves, rather, we are to love ourselves and love others in the same fashion and be willing to sacrifice because we know that we too will be given new life and glorified in God’s Kingdom. Death is not the end.  

The starting point for loving others is loving God, and loving ourselves. As a mom, sometimes it’s hard to look to my own interests and take care of myself. There are such expectations of what women should be able to do and handle, that often self-care gets sacrificed in the midst of the demands and needs of the day. If I am in a good place physically, and in my faith, I am better able to reach out and look to the interests of others. When I am struggling, I cling to whatever I can – titles, to-do lists, accomplishments – to try and keep myself sane and feeling good. If I care more about a title or project than I do my neighbor, then I am not loving my neighbor.

Especially when pregnant. I am finding that there are times I have to let the to-do list go in order to take care of myself for the sake of the little girl growing inside me. I have to let go of the need to prove myself, to try to be equal with others or with the person I was six months ago, because that is what is in my own best interest and the best interest of my baby. Sometimes I have to cancel plans, give up projects, and forgo the caffeine because what is in my best interest and the best interest of my baby, son, and husband is not found on the to-do list. It’s humbling, and humiliating to feel this way.

The times when we feel weak are good reminders of the fact that life has a cost. Christ paid the cost for us to have eternal life, and I pay the cost of receiving a blessed child by living in weakness for nine months. It is enough to know that Christ understands my struggles with weakness and these limitations. He too was limited and weak, but out of that weakness, the atonement for our sins was accomplished and we were gifted with new life. I forget sometimes, that being a Christian isn’t just about being strong all the time. It’s also about being weak, and letting God work through us, so that His power is displayed, and so that we can learn what it means to hope for eternal life and have faith in the One who gives it to us.

My Summer Vacation

Did you ever have to write one of these essays for school? I know I did. Growing up in Singapore meant that in the summer, almost everyone left to go to their home country for two and a half to three months before the next school year started. Writing these essays or papers was a good way to reflect on what we had done, and catch our classmates up on what had happened that summer.

Inevitably, these stories were filled with just the highlights: visiting grandparents, maybe going to a summer camp, fun vacations and adventures at the beach/lake/mountains, etc. We didn’t talk about what we learned, only what we did. And sometimes we ended up feeling sorry for ourselves because we didn’t have the amazing vacation that a classmate did, and we were left wondering why.

Well, here is my summer “break” recap. I put “break” in quotes because to me a break means ceasing from the ordinary for rest and recovery; or perhaps it’s a break from the usual schedule and a chance for travel, adventure, and something new to take place. Technically, I experienced all of these, but not it the order, or way I had wanted or expected. The past four months have been quite challenging. And I will confess that I did not handle them well emotionally or spiritually. But, when I felt so out of control, God showed Himself to be in control and sovereign. When I doubted, He was faithful.

The last time I really wrote anything was towards the end of April when I added to the Coaching Series with this post. No more than a week after that post went up, I found out I was pregnant again. For the last six months prior to this, I had been in agony every month, wondering if there was something wrong with me, and then April came, and I felt we would miss our time to conceive due to a trip I took to Georgia to visit my brother’s family and new niece. We had agreed that we wanted a 2016 baby, and it looked like that opportunity was gone.

Then, suddenly, it wasn’t. Initially I thought my due date would be in January, but after using several online due date calculators, I found that we could still potentially have a 2016 baby on December 30^th. This was later confirmed by my midwife at our first prenatal appointment. We laughed over that, and praised God for being faithful. We then decided that I would work through the summer with my bookkeeping job, and resign from it in August. I let my employers know and greatly anticipated the coming summer.

But shortly after, our summer of mishaps began. A much anticipated long weekend in Breckenridge had to be cut short because I was short of breath which can be dangerous for the baby, because if I am short of oxygen, so is the baby. A friend borrowed one of our cars and ended up backing into a dumpster and doing quite a bit of damage. Enter insurance ordeal number one (We found out that in Colorado the insurance policy follows the car, so we had to file under our insurance for the repairs). A hail storm dropped golf ball sized hail in our neighborhood, wiping out half the garden, and damaging the roof badly enough that it would need to be replaced. Insurance ordeal number two. The air conditioner broke and wasn’t working for 2 weeks as temperatures climbed into the high 90s. Then a driver crashed through our back fence and took out about 60 feet of our privacy fence. Insurance ordeal number three (not ours this time, hers, but still us dealing with it). My bookkeeping job was going fine, except that with my looming departure, there were several additional projects I was asked to complete which upped my hours significantly. The money was good, but with everything else going on, it just added to the stress and strain I was already feeling.

I felt helpless. My body felt as though it was failing me as I dealt with the first trimester yuckies, and then I fell into a bout of depression. I began to have weekly headaches that would last for 2-4 days, and I also had emotional melt downs a couple times a week. I stopped praying and stopped seeking God. It was easy to slide down this slippery slope. We were on summer break. Our schedules were changed for several months, and it was all too easy to isolate myself.

Even as I write this I feel ashamed of how I handled the mounting stress. My son was a trooper, and in hind sight, my one of my saving graces. His beautiful little smile and joy at the simple things in life gave me more relief than I realized. My husband took over dealing with all the insurance claims and repairs. He often had to resort to what he calls “jerk mode” to get it all sorted out, but he did it. I had to live through it, but he fought the battles. Without these two, I really would have been lost. God had given me what I needed to deal with the stresses of the summer, but for a long time, I couldn’t see it.

It wasn’t until the end of July that I started to come out of my funk. I began feeling better as I entered the second trimester (around week 15 though – not week 12 as all the online baby info claims). The car, air coditioner, and roof were fixed. We finally got the insurance pay out for our fence, and it was more than we hoped to get. This meant we would be able to rebuild the fence, paint it, pay the deductible on the roof insurance claim, and pay off some debt. The summer’s craziness hadn’t put us into deeper debt, it helped us get out. I felt as though God was saying to me, “See, I can take care of you. I am watching out for you.”

 And then my garden went wild. The tomatoes and summer squash and winter squash took a long time to recover, but then, one day, they all decided to just start growing like crazy. I haven’t ever had summer squash plants that could support more than one growing veggie at a time, and suddenly the three little seedlings that survived were growing multiple large vegetables all at once. Before I knew it I had eight summer squash in the refrigerator and several more on the vines that would need to be harvested soon. My winter squash plants took off and I have several huge squash that are turning orange just in time for fall. When my garden was pummeled by the hail I told God I wasn’t going to replant, and would just live with the little we had. But he took my little and made it a lot.

Finally, in mid-August, after several stressful weeks, I wrapped up my bookkeeping job, and was able to truly thank God for getting me through this most unexpected summer. I had the time to sit and think about what had happened, and, I have to honestly tell you that I feel really foolish about how I handled everything. I took my eyes off God and freaked out, but He didn’t take His eyes off me. I doubted we would survive the summer and that things would get better, but He faithfully worked things out for our good and benefit.

There is a picture in my favorite Tea Shop that has a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: “A woman is like a tea bag, you never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” This summer taught me that God will often do the same to us. He will test the strength of our faith with trials and mishaps and plans gone awry. He will give us opportunities to build our trust and faith in Him. My failure to live into my faith and depend on God this summer revealed that there are weaknesses in my faith. But it also gave me the opportunity to learn about God and myself, and to strengthen those places that are weak.

 And now, as I stand at the end of a summer I never want to repeat, I find that I also don’t want to forget how God took care of me, of us, and restored us to a better place than we were in before – not just materially, but spiritually too. I want to remember that even when we are faced with circumstances that are beyond our control, He is faithful and more than enough to sustain us and bring us through it, no matter how long it lasts.

I am happy to be writing again, and look forward to sharing more of God’s love with you all here!